A Teenage Perspective - When Cancer Shows Up and Changes Everything: Sofia Montiel's Grief Story [Grief Series 2]
Grieving the loss of someone you love is never an easy journey. In this second episode of our series on Grief, I am joined by special guest Sofia, whose mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2016 and passed away in 2018.
Now a high school senior and the oldest of three children, Sofia took on a leadership role in the family in her mother’s absence, and today she's sharing her journey of navigating her grief and balancing responsibilities. By rewiring some of her habits and acknowledging her grief, Sofia experienced self-discovery and healing, and learned to lean on the support of her loved ones while also establishing healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms to help her through the tough times.
I am privileged to share with you Sofia's inspiring story of resilience and strength — please join us today.
Segment 1: Taking on a Parental Role
Sofia starts with talking about how her mother's death forced her to step up and become a parental figure in her family, sharing her experience of taking care of her younger siblings, handling household responsibilities at a young age, and balancing this new role with her own needs and desires.
Segment 2: Realizing the Importance of Self-Care
Sofia discusses how she continued to push herself until the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and then she realized that she needed to take a break and prioritize her own well-being.
Segment 3: Finding Support from Friends
In this segment, Sofia and I discuss how her friends played a crucial role in helping her cope with her mother's passing.
Segment 4: Navigating Her Father's Grief
Sophia discusses how her father coped with her mother's death and how she navigated his efforts to keep her presence alive in their lives. She shares how she found a balance between honoring their mother's memory while also moving forward with their own lives.
Segment 5: Setting Boundaries
In this segment, Sofia shares the importance of setting boundaries, taking me-time, and making mistakes as a way of showing that you care.
Segment 6: Reintegrating into Real Life
Sofia shares her experiences of going back to school soon after her mother's passing, the pressure of being known as the girl whose mother had died, and the fear of being judged by others.
Resources Mentioned:
New Hope Grief Organization: https://www.newhopegrief.org/
Help with Hope: https://helpwithhope.org/
Camp Kesem: https://www.kesem.org/
Donate on behalf of Danielle Montiel here - https://donate.kesem.org/fundraiser/4385292
Still: Making A Whole When Parts Go Missing: https://www.drkimber.net/books
If interested in receiving my newsletter, A Moment of Pause, you can sign up here.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for treatment by a healthcare or mental health professional. This content is created for education and entertainment purposes only.
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This transcript was created by A.I. — please forgive translation mistakes.
[00:00:00] Welcome to I Thought I Was Over This.
[00:00:05] I'm your host, Dr. Kimber, a licensed clinical psychologist, trauma healer, and fellow life journeyer. Every episode we dive into the science of human-ing. Whether you find yourself feeling like you've just hit an iceberg and don't know where help is coming from, or you're ready to trade in your raft for something bigger, you aren't alone.
[00:00:27] Grab what you need, get comfortable, and let's do this.
[00:00:36] I am so grateful you're here. I want to apologize for my volume. We had to pivot at the last minute when we were recording this, and it looks like my microphone came unplugged. And my computer was what was picking me up. So I've done the best I can to make adjustments, but I think you will really enjoy this episode.
[00:01:03] My apologies about my sound. Well, I am so glad that you are here. We are continuing our journey of talking about grief and this episode, like many of mine are sponsored by my book Still Making a Hole When Parts Go Missing, which is out now available on IndieBound, Amazon, Barnes and Noble. And today I am so excited.
[00:01:30] I have a special guest, Sophia Monte. Who is going to be talking about her process? I have known Sophia her whole life. I'm so excited that she's here. A little bit about her as she's a senior, getting ready to launch into a new brief journey by saying goodbye to her family as she launches to college. But she has also been a part of a longer grief journey with her.
[00:02:03] Being diagnosed and dying of cancer, and so I'm so grateful that she's here. I want to talk a little bit about her mom, who I knew for a long time and she start. Part of her legacy was she single-handedly started a school called Intellectual Virtues Academy here in Long Beach, California. And yes, she had a board, but she single handedly it would not exist without her.
[00:02:33] And some of the very cool things is that Intellectual Virtues Academy really has been embedded in a school district that really values equality in education. And so you can. By your way in, you have to be able to get in by lottery unless you are an employee's child. I had the privilege of one of my children getting picked, and the other one we had to grieve.
[00:03:02] He was like 134. It was not in the cards, so he was not able to go, but. It's such a great school and her fingerprints are all over that. Welcome, Sophia. I'm so glad you're here. And I don't know, there might be some other things you wanna introduce about yourself. Feel free. Thank you for having me. I'm, I'm very glad to be here and I think you covered all of it.
[00:03:26] Great. Well, What would you like my listeners to know about grief if they've been listening to you for a while? I'm sure they know a lot, but because everyone's different, every experience is different. Yes. You can never know everything because everyone's experience is different. For me, I was in a unique position of being the oldest sibling, so I have a younger brother and sister.
[00:03:51] So apart from being the oldest and having to do everything first anyway. You know, every level of school driver's license and college applications. Oh, all kinds of crazy stuff like that. I also had to kind of step into a different leadership role when my mom passed away and there was kind of one less person guiding us.
[00:04:11] And even though we got a lot of support and love, like from our community who really showed up for us in that, It was never gonna match what we lost. So, yeah. So how did you navigate that? For a while? I kind of succumbeded to it. I thought I have to take over, like there's dishes that have to be done, I have to do it.
[00:04:33] Like siblings need help getting outta bed in the morning. That's on me. So I took on that kind of parent role in a sense. Yes. Yeah, and I kind of stayed that way for several years. So my mom passed away in January of 2018. I kind of stayed on that. I don't know. I stayed on the grind until like quarantine, when at some point it kind of hit me.
[00:05:00] Oh, I'm doing a lot of stuff and I need to take a break and be a kid. Even though this is like, when are you gonna be a kid in quarantine? Oh, well, I just kinda like let myself relax. Nice. Any sense of what about quarantine help you realize, wow, I really do need to be a kid and not take on all this responsibility?
[00:05:22] Right. Well, because we couldn't get out of the house, there was always like you had to find stuff to do in the. But so a lot of, we did so much like in the realm of cooking. Food. Like everyone would just like walk from their room to the kitchen. Uhhuh, get a snack, walk back. Yeah. So there's dishes everywhere all the time.
[00:05:44] And at some point we were cleaning and I was on FaceTime with yes, my aunt and my cousin and my dad told me that get off the phone and help us clean. And I was kind of thinking, I'm doing, I said, I think out. I'm doing more than my share around here. I can take a second to, you know, get some kind of contact with the outside world, which no one was really getting at the time.
[00:06:07] So it is over the phone. Uhhuh, I'll do dishes later. Doesn't need to be right now. I love it. It sounds like you started studying boundaries around, Hey, I need me time. There's always gonna be dishes to be done. There's always gonna be housework to be done, and I'm gonna protect some me time, and that sounds so important.
[00:06:26] That is definitely a positive quarantine and being in California, we were really locked down. Yeah, we were stuck. What are the, some of the intentional ways that you have grieved? And I'm sure that you've gone through different phases, different things. What are some of the intentional things that you have done that you continue to do?
[00:06:49] So in the months, like to the few years, kind of following my mom's death, my dad wanted to do a lot to keep her present in our lives. And at that point we kind of weren't ready for that. So you'd like to engage with us on, do you remember this? Does this remind you of and try to talk to us or get, I don't know, a get a reading on what we were feeling.
[00:07:20] What we were thinking? Yes. And that's kind of always hard to do, always hard to put into words what's happening inside, but. Especially when you kind of need that wall to keep you upright, you're in shock. So how would you say that you navigated that your dad, in his own way, trying to be present for you, wanting you to process with him?
[00:07:44] How did you navigate that difference where, You're like, I just need to keep going right now. I don't wanna think about this, or I don't wanna feel these things. Can I have some space here? Yeah. I think I, I took a lot of that space on my own to go through with it cuz it feels like there's never a moment when I'm not thinking about her.
[00:08:03] So maybe it's less intentional and just more, cuz I'm kind of being her daughter. I'm an extension of her and being in the community that she helped build. She's kind of in every one. Yes. People in you, in my, you know, her friends, the church community I grew up with. Yes. Yeah. I love that. She's always in my mind, it's not like you need to create this intentional space.
[00:08:32] She's always here, always present, and it's really your own decision of when you want to bring her out. Into words. Mm-hmm. But otherwise you're carrying her with you inside. Yeah. I feel like this year and last year have been progressive times for me. Because I was always so hesitant to talk about it, but I found some really great friends and people to lean on who I feel very comfortable talking with, and in part because they're comfortable with the discussion.
[00:09:07] Like, is there a right thing to say? Not really, but some people kind of say the wrong things or strike the wrong chord, you know, they get uncomfortable or they're equally hesitant, so they decide. They'd rather be quiet than reach out and risk doing or saying something wrong. And yeah, kind of all of it is hard.
[00:09:27] It's hard to be in a situation where you're having to talk about something that feels forced for you, but also, oh, I really wish this person would show up in my life. I know why they're uncomfortable and you know, I kind of wish they could. They would get over that fear. Yes. Oh, that's such a beautiful.
[00:09:46] That it's, it's showing up even in your uncomfortability. Even in the awkwardness, it's gonna be awkward, but there's such power in wi being willing to make a mistake and just show that you care. Let let's you know that your friends are safe. Say that they'll go there. But how do you know that? I went through a lot of life at a very young age, so I guess some of my peers I felt like didn't understand.
[00:10:15] Didn't know what it was like to feel that kind of grief and pain. Yeah, so I guess I feel comfortable and connect very deeply with people who have gone through similar experiences. Like one of my best friends, she had a very close music teacher and mentor who passed away from colon cancer, and I was able to be there for her during that time.
[00:10:38] I didn't know her as well as I do now, but because. Our things, we're able to connect on a deeper level and you know, we're not really scared to talk about death and cancer and like what makes us afraid and what we were feeling during that time and what we feel now and how things are different. Oh, I'm so grateful that you have a comrade that you can talk.
[00:11:06] It just feel like it flows and you're not afraid of what's coming up. So great. Were you friends before or like, did you kinda keep your ears and eyes open for these type of people? How did you find her? I don't probably like looking for, oh, it's, you know, someone die, you wanna come over. I don't know. Um, I connected very naturally with her.
[00:11:28] I met her in high school, but because of Covid stuff, I didn't actually. Really become friends with her, start hanging out with her until blatant, my sophomore year of high school. She's a year older than I. But yeah, as we got more comfortable with each other, that came up because, well, she was kind of currently going through, going through it.
[00:11:48] Oh. And she'd known of my family from, um, going to school with my cousins. So she, we didn't know each other, but she knew of my situation. And I think knowing that kind of made her feel. I would be a safe person to talk to about what she was going through, which I'm really glad she felt that way. Wow. Well, that just brings tears of happiness that she was willing to take a risk to talk about this.
[00:12:16] Situation and to trust that you would be able to let her, how much or how you, yeah, and I don't have all the answers either. I mean, when she mentioned it to me, I don't know, it's hard to know what to say. Even for me, that went through it firsthand like, do I give you a hug? Do I tell you I'm sorry? And then the words, I'm here for you, they don't really mean, well, they do mean something, but without action, they kind of just sit there.
[00:12:41] So, yeah. Yeah, I always try. Bring action to it when I'm say it, and so is kind of the Sophia rule of thumb is I'm here for you, needs to be followed up by another, Hey, how can I show up? Or How are you doing? Or something, rather than just the words. Is that right? Sure. I mean, it doesn't need to be complicated.
[00:13:06] You don't have to bring them every meal or text them every morning. But yeah, knowing that someone's with you and means it, that's everything. What was it like in your experience as the oldest in your mom's cancer journey? How. Did you process that while she was alive? What were things that were helpful for you?
[00:13:29] Hmm. I think I tried to stay distracted a lot, so I didn't get very close to the logistics of everything, like what medicine she was taking. You know what, what the stages were, what her ailments were. My dad was very good about taking care of her in that way. Mm-hmm. So I guess school and friends were. A distraction.
[00:13:54] I was probably reading a lot. I like reading. Nice. Oh, I didn't have a phone either. Ooh. So. Ooh. Yeah. And because you were, you're in middle school and mm-hmm. I can't remember. Seventh or eighth grade? Seventh grade. Seventh grade. I got a phone in eighth grade. So I mean, I guess as much as it was good that they were, I'm glad that I got it later, but to some extent, I think it hinder.
[00:14:20] My contact with people who could have reached out to me. You know, it makes things easier. Communication easier. Yeah. So I was harder to reach when I was disconnected. Yep. I think that's a good word, because my son did not have a phone until he was in ninth grade, and he's like, Listen, I've missed so many social opportunities, so I just wanna affirm that that has been the experience of my children, of which I've had to, you know, live with those consequences too.
[00:14:50] But it's true that in these kind of places and states so much easier to get in contact when you have your own phone, and it would've been a easy way, I guess, for your peers to reach. Yeah, I mean easy in terms of you don't have to make a physical effort. Yes. Also, because sometimes saying something over text is easier than saying it in person.
[00:15:15] You can plan out your thought and send it when you're ready instead of having to stand in front of a person and fumble through whatever you wanted to say, but can't really convey it properly. The pressure or whatever emotions are happening. Yes. That's so true. And you were going to school at your mom's school, if I dare say it.
[00:15:40] Yes. Yeah. So you, everyone, your whole school community was so aware. Yeah. What did that feel like? Oh, I really felt that earlier, that school year. I think there was another student who had lost a family member. And I remember the day that the teachers sat the students down and said, here's what your classmate is going through.
[00:16:05] Be sensitive of her. And something to that extent, I really didn't want that to happen for me. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, I guess in my mind it was like, if I'm there, they can't talk about me behind my back, cuz I'll be there listening and you can't really, it doesn't work like that. So, yeah. Kind of went back to school really soon, like looking back maybe.
[00:16:28] I wish I would've taken more time, but I mean, I honored what I needed to do or I thought I needed to do, and that's right. Yeah. You can never know. Right? You just can't. And it's so hard because you don't want to be known as the girl whose mom has died or who has cancer. Mm. And yet that becomes part of your identity in that moment.
[00:16:52] I know for me, when my baby died, it was like, ah, I wanna be known first for something more than the woman who whose baby died. Yeah. So then that was definitely part of my consciousness at i v. Everyone there knew me and had that connection in their mind. So I guess I. Excited to go to high school for a few reasons, but that being one of them, like not everyone knows who I am here and what I went through, so it might make it easier for me to stay anonymous.
[00:17:28] Yeah. But also there's a wondering, oh, like do they know, do this person in my life, do they know, you know, cause you meet new people and make friendships. Bonds naturally, yes. But yeah, with a lot of people, I don't know if they are aware of this part of me because when I want, if I want someone to know me better, I want them, it's kind of a necessary part.
[00:17:51] Right. To understand about who I am. That's true. And both your mom and dad work in the district, so you know, just like your now best friend new mm-hmm. It makes sense. Of course you're gonna be like, how much should they know? I love you've navigated that. How have you created space for Well, they're gonna get to know me, and this is a part of my story.
[00:18:18] It's not the only part. How, yeah. How have you continued to be out there? Right. I usually recognize a point in which I feel ready to tell someone. But then there's the part of knowing how at the beginning of this school year, I had made like a few new close friendships and I was, I don't know what it was, probably October.
[00:18:43] Okay. But for several weeks I'd been just talking to these people every day and getting to know them very well. The same friend that I had been talking to you about earlier, I reached out to her and kind of expressed, okay. She and I have this kind of journal we pass back and forth. We like write entries to each other.
[00:19:05] Oh, and then I'll read it, respond to her, and we go back and forth. It's really fun. I love that. How I brought that up to her in the journal and she says, You should tell 'em, but do it on your own terms and yeah, they sound like great people so you'll be safe. I did eventually make sure they all knew, but like one of them had even said, oh, I actually did know this about you, because his mom knew my aunt and we were like, he and I were friends, so he had talked about me to his mom and she said, oh well, I think this is her family, so you should probably know this.
[00:19:44] Yeah. So, and what was that like? I don't know. I kind of figured that that person might know. Okay. Yeah. It's, it's a weird thing to exist. Like, oh, you know, I don't know. Yes. It's a, why is it a thing? Did you appreciate that he actually let you bring it up rather than him? Yeah, I did. And that he was upfront about saying, Well, yeah, this isn't the first I'm hearing this, but Oh, that's so great.
[00:20:11] He didn't even try to hide it. He was very upfront. Like, I did ask at that point, did that change what you thought about me? And he said, no, I don't think so. So, yeah, I love it. Well, Sophia, I love that you reached out to a friend who you. Really knew you were like, Hey, I wanna reach out, extend my friend group, and she gave you the support to do and that's so beautiful, right?
[00:20:36] Isn't that how we expand our world is we start with those that are close to us and we can take risks because we know that they're behind us, they're supporting us. It really sounds like that was so. Yeah. What are the ways that you've kind of told people? Are there any words you could give my listeners who might be struggling to share this part of their story with their peers?
[00:21:00] Well, if you're one of those people who would rather have a really well thought out message and you don't really trust yourself to say those words when the time comes, you could write it out. I love that. Sometimes texting is hard cuz the person isn't right with you and you don't really know how, what you say will be received with one of my friends.
[00:21:20] That I had talked to in October, we were doing like an assignment, um, where you kind of write down a journal entry and then share it with your, um, shoulder partner. So that was how I had told her. I love it. That's so clever. And then Yay teacher. Yeah. She had also had something like vulnerable to share. So that felt, I think that was.
[00:21:43] Helpful for me because we were both kind of in the same space. Can I pause there because that is so just so wise that when someone leads with vulnerability, that we match them with vulnerability and it was so beautiful that that just happened to happen in your journal entries. Mm-hmm. Well, when you know someone and trust them and you converse regularly, I tell like these people at school, I knew them well, but you know, not well enough for them to know all this stuff about me and about, oh, we just, we just didn't really see each other outside of school.
[00:22:21] So I tell people at school, like we were walking around and I just kind of say, Hey, I think it's important that you know this about me because I feel close to you and I trust you, and I want to get to know you better, and they want you to know me. So there's about me that I want you to. It's that my mom passed away a few years ago and she's always been a part of me and she's always on my mind.
[00:22:46] And yeah, because I want us to know each other. This is something that you should know. Well, thank you for sharing that. For anybody who is struggling to know how to lean in, and you said you're thinking of her all the time and it's, she's such an important part of, Any other tips of what's helped you?
[00:23:08] Okay. I did wanna to add something more about like actually getting it out in the open so you can talk about it. Talking about it does actually feel pretty good because holding stuff in emotionally is not so good for you over a long period of time. But also because when you lose a person who is so close to you, everything kind of reminds you of them.
[00:23:31] And it feels pretty freeing just to be able to say, oh, I recognize this plant. My mom told me about that, and Oh, I saw a butterfly. Those remind me of my mom. Just being able to like say those things. Yeah, it feels good. Uhhuh, once you are in a place where you're able to do that, you know, it can be pretty cathartic.
[00:23:50] Yeah, and I would imagine it takes a little bit because you're in shock and then it's like as we come outta those phase, It becomes more relational and more connecting, like you bringing your mom in. Letting people know what reminds you of her, I think is just such a beautiful testament to working through the grief rather than numbing out.
[00:24:16] Yeah, and when it's those kind of people, you can feel that they appreciate it too. Yes. I think as a fellow grief journey or one of the things I've learned is when you. Reminded, we don't have to cut that person off inside of us. Right? What there's such it, in fact, that's just feels wrong, feels like such a strong word, but it's not authentic.
[00:24:38] Your mom, I think of her so fondly. She lives in me. There's things about her. Memories, especially fishing like I don't think I'll ever fish again without fondly thinking of her going to the Sierras. Just so many camping trips and you know, I even to put words with it feels like I'm narrowing the scope of how your mom comes to my mind.
[00:25:00] But it's so freeing to really keep her present. It's, it just feels so authentic and true. Cause like you said, she lives in all of us. Yes. It's. Amazing to be with you today. I know that you had some resources that you wanted to share of places or organizations that have helped you process. Having your mom die of cancer.
[00:25:26] Yeah. Thank you. So for part of my capstone project for school, I've been looking into resources that help specifically kids like me who have lived through their parents cancer diagnosis and or their parents. Death from cancer. There's kind of limited resources. One that I personally can advocate for is Camp Kesem.
[00:25:50] My siblings and I went to Camp Kesem the summer of 2017, the summer before my mom passed away. But we got to be there with a lot of kids whose parents also had cancer or some whose parents had died of cancer. It was really hard for me to get out of the car and participate. Thing, probably some denial was involved, but I did go and the first day was the hardest.
[00:26:19] Starting always is, but they kind of, that night got into the deep stuff and if everyone in a circle had to share and. That was the hardest part. And after that, talking about it became easier, like in addition to helping you kind of talk about it, they give you a chance to be a kid for a while, so like arts and crafts and like zip line games.
[00:26:45] It was like a rock ball. All kinds of stuff that I really liked doing. So I had fun there even though there was kind of this dark overtone. It was a good time and I was glad I got to be there with my brother and sister. And connect with these other young people who. Grieving in the way that I was. So yeah, never when I was there did I feel alone or like I wasn't seen.
[00:27:09] So it's a great thing they're doing and it's all over the United States, probably in some other places outside of other countries, but Perfect. We'll put a link in the show notes. Another one is Help with Hope I haven. I hadn't found out about them this year. I think they're more geared towards younger kids.
[00:27:30] I think they do communicate with parents. Like, here's how to talk about this with your kid, and I think it was founded by two kids whose one of their parents, I think it was their mom had cancer. What I saw about what they did was send out care packages to kids, just bring them a little joy, and then a local organization that.
[00:27:51] Doesn't help specifically with grief from like your experience with cancer, but, um, new hope is in Long Beach. I've been to one of their events about grief during the holidays and you know what it's like to lose someone and then have to be kind of so overwhelmed with their absence. I was actually singing there with choir at Millikin.
[00:28:15] It was a really touching thing to be a part of and I. I appreciate that they're doing that, and they're just a way to get support here in this community. Yes. I love New Hope. Mm-hmm. And you know, you've really touched on what the most important thing is, is that you're not alone. That's the most important thing in grief.
[00:28:36] Is to really internalize you're not alone. And however you can find those people, those comrades, those communities so that, like you said, you don't keep stuffing everything. I mean, thank you for sharing. It's been amazing to have you. Is there anything else you would like to share? No pressure, but just anything that comes to mind.
[00:28:59] I think I've said it all, but thank you so much for inviting me. I'm glad it happened. You're so welcome. I'm glad it happened too. It's a joy to be with you, and thank you for your vulnerability and your willingness to share. I'm sure you're gonna. Help another. No, they're not alone. No. I'm so grateful that you've been willing to show and share your story.
[00:29:22] Thank you for giving me an outlet and for putting this out here for all these people to learn and grieve better with you. Well, you're so welcome. Thank you for taking me with you. If you haven't already signed up for my newsletter, one reader called it a letter to your soul. It has reflections, questions and suggestions in each one.
[00:29:47] Go to dr kimber.net to sign up. That's D r k. I M B E r.net n e t. You'll also be the first to know about events of my book still making a hole when parts go missing. Until next time.