Teenage Brains and Sleep and How Parents Help Create Good Sleep Hygiene [Sleep 10]
“How did you sleep?”
In my house, this is a key question we regularly ask our teens, as sleep is critical in so many ways for teenagers (and all of us!), along with being a screener for mental health issues, including managing stress and anxiety.
In this episode, Dr. Kimber talks about teens, sleep routines, and habits. Quality sleep is essential for a teenager’s mental health and optimal development, and at this crucial stage of their lives, teenagers truly do need support from their parents, especially in the establishment of sound sleep habits and routines.
Taking into consideration how a teenage brain is wired, Dr. Kimber discusses the impact of a parent’s support on their teen’s health and well-being, along with key topics for parents to think about and keep in mind as they support their children with sleep.
Key moments include:
01:05 – The unexpected age where a person experiences full development of executive brain function.
03:19 – Why teens need parental help, especially when it comes to sleep.
04:43 – An example of how we integrate good sleep hygiene in our home.
06:53 – Teenage brains: hardwired to being night-owl brains.
11:40 – Social media, phone use, and sleep.
17:26 – The relationship between sleep and anxiety.
23:15 – Major stressor for teenagers and how it affects sleep.
32:28 – Helping your teen manage stress to achieve optimal sleep.
Resources mentioned:
The Teenage Brain – Written by Francis Jensen
Brainstorm – Written by Dr. Dan Siegel
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for treatment by a healthcare or mental health professional. This content is created for education and entertainment purposes only.
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This transcript has been created using A.I. Please excuse any missed words or incorrect grammar.
[00:00:00] I'm so excited. You're here. We are a community on the growth path, trying to positively shape not only ourselves, but also those we love that are in our lives. Today, we are going to tackle teen sleep routines and habits, and we can't discuss sleep without recognizing a number of things about what make teenage brains different than adult brains.
The front part of our brain. People call it the executive functioning part. It's growing until we are 25 years old. So the blood flow, the neuro firings are not complete here until much later than we societally treat teens. Meaning we give teenagers driver's licenses at an age. Where their decision making skills are limited in my state.
It's 16. You can get your permit [00:01:00] at 15 and a half as a nation. We say that you're an adult at 18, fully capable of being held accountable for your actions in a court of law. And this is a recognition only in theory because we now have the hard science to show. that our executive functioning part of our brain isn't fully developed until 25.
What that means is the parts of us, that plan that can look at what can go wrong, the decision making part of us, which takes into consideration. Our impulse control, regulating our bodies, our states of mind, especially during big feelings and moments of overwhelm, all of those things are still in development.
And so it's really important to know that this part of the [00:02:00] brain continues to be built. The decision making tree highways of what is dangerous, what could go wrong? Really needs an adult, a fully developed brain to come alongside.
It is completely unreasonable for us to expect that our teenagers will be able to pull themselves away to make the choice, to get sleep versus leaving their phone on during important sleeping hours. Our teenagers need our help. During the adolescent years from 12 to 25, our teens really can't fully identify the danger in some of their decisions.
So I want to start the conversation here, because even though you may [00:03:00] have a six foot, two, 15 year old in front of you, this isn't a fully functioning adult.
No matter what physically it seems like. And so what does this mean? What does it mean that the executive function in our brain isn't fully working. When we think of sleep, your teens do not have the self discipline to get off their phones at night, without your help. Especially the early teens. And I wanna make an argument that even if they do initially understand the importance, when situations change, like getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend or having a teen text under crisis so that your teen child feels like they're the only ones, keeping their friend alive.
Good sleep hygiene in these situations can go out the [00:04:00] window and that's why we need to have good routines and habits to help our teens help themselves. So what we do in our house is we talk about the importance of sleep. It's part of our conversations around the table. We talk about memory and when a test is coming up, we make sleep an important part of studying.
If one of our children hasn't gotten good sleep, we help them feel into their body about what that feels like and how they might help themselves during the day, like limiting sugar or making sure that they're eating regularly to help them with their energy dips. Ultimately, you do want to make your teen's sleep, their responsibility.
But while they're in your house, they really do need help. And we regularly ask Dennis and I, how did you sleep? [00:05:00] As a parent I want to keep a pulse on sleep with my kids, because it really is a screener for mental health issues, like managing stress and anxiety. I know if one of our kids isn't sleeping.
There is a problem to be solved and I need to be involved in it. So today I'm going to cover six topics. Why is it so hard to get my teen to turn off the light? What you need to talk about in terms of social media and phone use, the next topic is when there is a lot of anxiety present.
Why does co-regulation always helpful. And what I mean by that is co-regulation is when another person's nervous system can help out and assist the other in getting regulated and then major [00:06:00] stressor in major stressors are a big deal for your teen. And so how do you support them? and the final topic, fun tools that we use at our house for letting off steam, which of course helps you get to sleep.
So let's dive into topic. Number one, your teenage brain for the more cut. for the majority of teens. It is a night owl brain, which is one of the reasons why teenagers stay up late. They want to get up late as well. And I'm not gonna get into all the neurobiology of wise. I think there's some great books out there.
I love teenage brain by Francis Jensen. She's a neuroscientist. And I actually listen to this book with my 14 year old, totally worth it. I also like brainstorm [00:07:00] by Dr. Dan Siegel. It's excellent. And we had a teenage book club. When my daughter was in high school and we had them read parts of the book. the adults really read most of it, but we would summarize, and it was really important.
Brainstorm is also a book that I have a lot of my teenage clients work through just because it's written in a way. to make them aware of how their brain is evolving and changing. So let me get back to the topic. At hand night, owls, teen brains are wired to stay up. Uh, cut. Teen brains are wired to stay up later.
Academically, if you are a school administrator and haven't heard about this, there are numerous studies that are really solid starting school later, even [00:08:00] 20 to 30 minutes later, improved test scores, improved comprehension, especially those highly academic. Early morning classes. And so it indicates that learning is actually taking place in a much more robust way by moving back the start times.
And I know in California, we're making the change for many schools starting zero period at seven 30. according to the United States sleep foundation. Most teens need eight and a half to nine and a quarter hours. Adults are usually between seven to nine. So as a parent, you wanna help your teens get that amount and yes, you can try to make it up on the weekend, but that really isn't the best approach.
Listen to what Dr. Dan Siegel says. On page 2 85 in brainstorm about inadequate [00:09:00] sleep without a depth sleep. Each of these important neurophysiological and mental processes is in jeopardy of not functioning. Well, what's the outcome of inadequate amounts and quality of sleep. The brain doesn't grow well.
Memory is not consolidated. And you don't remember what you learned. Insulin doesn't work, right. And becoming overweight is more likely stress hormones rise and make you feel lousy. Immune functions don't work well and you can get sick more easily. And your mind won't be as sharp for paying attention thinking and problem solving.
plus you may simply have less energy, feel bad, become irritable more easily, and get frustrated with others more frequently. [00:10:00] In short, you can become moody and not much fun to be around. You may come to feel out of sorts and not even realize that this state of being. Is because of your sleep habits. Wow.
We need good sleep habits. And as a parent, what I'm looking to do is to have less and less restrictions so that my kids can take over their own self care. But while they're my house before they get launched into college.
I really paid a lot of attention so that I could recognize when they started going off on what we considered. Good sleep patterns and habits really it's important that you continue to check in, even if they're seniors and juniors. [00:11:00] Because again, their executive functioning isn't fully there yet. And when certain situations arise, they aren't able to have the self-discipline that maybe earlier they were able to have.
And this brings us to topic. Number two, social media phone use in general and sleep. I have to say, this is a major crisis in colleges. Our college students are not getting enough sleep. There are so many more who are skipping classes, having mental health crises, because they are not able to navigate the stress of school, partly because they're not able to put boundaries around their phones so that they can get the sleep they need.
So that they can deal with the stress that is completely there. When you're a student, you can see the cycle. So [00:12:00] here's the thing. You can't be a helicopter parent around social media and phone use. nor can you be completely hands off. If you are a helicopter parent, your teen won't have to have self-discipline to get off the phone when they need to.
And conversely, if you are completely hands off your teen's brain, isn't able to make the decisions. That they need in order to get adequate sleep, they just don't have the self discipline and the self control on a consistent basis. And here's where the executive ex cut and here's where executive functioning is really what's underdeveloped.
They need help setting structure. heck I need help setting structure and I am self-aware and even curious about my habits, but [00:13:00] in the moment, there are certain situations, certain feelings that I can even abandon ship and get stuck in algorithms, especially when I'm on Netflix. So I definitely need help and full disclosure in this moment, my son, who is going to be a freshman in high school, he doesn't have a phone.
He doesn't even have any type of phone flip phone or anything. He Does have an iPad. And are we late in the game? Maybe? He really needed to show us that he can be structured around computer time so that he can earn a phone. He's a gaming kid. He loves discord and he has really struggled to have boundaries around his playing time.
So one of the things that we have done in order to incentivize him and make it something that he [00:14:00] can earn and take ownership of and take ownership around. Is his ability to earn a phone. And with that said, my daughter, who is now a sophomore in college, she actually got a phone when she was in seventh grade because she wasn't online at all.
She wasn't gaming. And so for her, her situation was completely different than what we have found my sons to be, which is he's always been on computers. So part of the way that I have parented is that no two children are alike and each need a different approach. And often empathy is the key to this sort of parenting approach, because it's not fair, what one gets or doesn't get.
So kind of the parameters that we set was for middle school, the [00:15:00] phone or iPad needs to be out of your room by 8:00 PM. And we kept it in a local place so that there was accountability in ninth and 10th grade for my daughter, since my son is just getting into ninth grade, we kept the phone in the room.
on airplane and location services are off so that there actually aren't any electrical wave issues, but it was put away from the. In airplane mode nine on school nights and 10 on the weekends is when that needed to get in place. Of course, we always encouraged things earlier, but we left it up to eat in, in 11th and 12th grade.
We basically started doing random phone checks for texting times. We took away phone privileges. If there was texting that was done after hours. and I won't disclose if this happened or not, [00:16:00] but what we discussed is always interrupted. Sleep is never good. And we really tried to communicate self responsibility with cell phone use sleep habits alongside our accountability.
I think Dr. Jensen in her book, teenage brain has a really great neuroscience explanation as to why our teens can't structure this themselves. And I'll put a link so that you can see them in the show notes to her book. But I highly recommend that because I think there's a misconception as parents, that they ought to be able to do it, especially as they become.
Juniors and seniors, but as someone who has, you know, some clients in the college administration world, this is a huge epidemic, sleep loss, [00:17:00] which again means skipped classes, failed classes. It's a major deals so in some ways we're not getting the job done at home before they launch into college.
so topic number three, sleep and anxiety. What I like to recommend is co-regulation is always best. And what this means is that you help your teen down-regulate their nervous system to help them to get to bed. So, as I've mentioned in previous episodes, I support a group of Afghan women. And magic really can happen in terms of them helping their children navigate a new school with new language and have a sense of belonging when you do things like cuddle.
And I know if your teen is [00:18:00] waking up in the middle of the night, not able to go back to sleep. It's. Do you cuddle? Do you not cuddle? It's like, no co-regulation is always the best. And why I'm using the example of the Afghan women is because you can imagine these are highly stressful households. and I'm telling you, it has been amazing.
What happens when you, as the parent can communicate that all is safe in this moment and that it's okay to go to sleep like it's magic. And so I just wanna encourage you. Our teenage boys are not too old. Of course it may feel awkward. And, maybe they're like, no, we can't be cuddling together.[00:19:00]
Do it on the couch. Remind them they are not alone. Somehow somewhere an answer is out there to be found. It's going to work out. And really this is for all humans. All humans need to be cuddled with. I have teenage clients and I really tell them, listen, you need a parent to help you regulate to get to sleep.
Your mind is racing. So any kind of snuggling body contact, this is always my reg my recommendation. Because we have a co-regulating system inside of us. It's the polyvagal nerve. It really helps us know whether we are safe. It gets us out of fight or flight. We really pick up on the emotional environment around us.
So as a parent, if you have the [00:20:00] emotional space to snuggle and to take time to connect, you are doing so much good. It is a powerful way to deposit goodness and delight in your child, children. I also recommend for really anxious kids, including teenagers, stuffed animals, big stuffed animals. They can be a good resource for self soothing.
I'm really big into textures. Weighted blankets can be helpful. Some of, uh, some kids don't like them, so it's not a cure for everyone, but it can provide this sense of containment. And that's what your system needs when it's in fight or flight. And teens have big feelings that remember their executive functioning system isn't fully developed.
So they really need our help getting containment. So [00:21:00] co-regulation getting that calmness that assurance helping your teens be seen by you. Another human is really a great way to do it. I can't emphasize enough. Asking your teen, how much sleep they're getting will really help you decide if their anxiety is at a level that they need to get professional help.
If your teen isn't sleeping. Please, please, please get a licensed professional to help you. You cannot mess around with anxiety and patterns of anxiousness. It really can lead to so many things that can become life threatening. If it goes on too long, lots of things we use as adults, the teenagers. Cut. The teenagers use two there's different things to become addicted to eating disorders.
O [00:22:00] C D again, just sleeplessness itself can bring about a manic episode. So getting professional help for your teen, it can feel embarrassing as a parent. And I get that, but as someone who does therapy with teenagers, I want you to know this isn't about you. It's about the coping patterns that. Teen may or may not have, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you and your parenting style.
Sometimes it can feel better to get that teen life coach. Maybe that's the answer for you, but at least get somebody who has experience has expertise and has really been trained in anxiety. reduction by a reputable program. Anxiety isn't straightforward. It's very complex to treat cookie cutter methods are rarely successful.[00:23:00]
So please, please, please, please. Don't mess around with high anxiety can really create some bad habits and dig a hole for your teenager. So the next topic. Major stressors are huge for your teen. So how do you help set up a system that will work? And that major stressor is school. You want to help your teen sleep.
You need to help them get a system that will help them stay organized as a student. Sometimes you need to hire help. Because you may not have the patience or the bandwidth to help your student get organized. You don't have to be an organized student yourself in order to help your child. You [00:24:00] can get that help by that, outside person.
So my approach in parenting and helping my kids with getting organized as a student has been. In middle school, I did not expect my teens to be able to stay organized. And on top of their schoolwork, my expectation was that they would be working towards that organization. Part of that was making sure that their backpacks had everything that they needed.
I made them accountable for PE clothes, those type of things. But I always double checked what was due and had a plan. I guess we did planners. we have canvas, so it makes it easy for me to check to see what's due the next day and really during middle school, [00:25:00] that was my. Job, I guess, is not to get frustrated when there was disorganization, but to use it as a sign that, Hey, I need to step in more or the organization that we have isn't working well.
And so I just say one of my students, I won't say who even had like three Fs because. The organization was not happening. There were so many things going through the cracks. And so I really had to step up, learn the systems that would work for that team in order to help that person help themselves. So. I realize that when I'm saying this, I am coming from a place where [00:26:00] I am not overwhelmed.
I'm not a single parent. I don't have a family member. Who's chronically ill. We don't have somebody working two jobs. I'm not in poverty, going through a divorce, have any major stressor. , but I wanna say if it's at all possible to really own that while your teen is in middle school, if you can be available for that teen in order to help them learn systems that work for them, it will pay off so big as they transition into high school.
So I really, really want to encourage you. To make this a priority because it will pay off. So other major stressors about school is [00:27:00] mental health challenges. It's going to be more stressful. It's going to be harder.
and so part of it is learning is your student learning how to manage more stress? And this can be really hard because they don't always want help. I remember Eden really wanted nothing to do with me. She did not want me to help at all in school. She didn't want me to be a chaperone. She wanted me. far away from her stuff.
And I actually allowed that I respected that space. I have a big personality. She, at that time didn't have as big of a personality. [00:28:00] And so, which I think she has more of a bigger personality now, but. I really wanted to respect her ability to kind of push up against me. That was way more important than me being a chaperone at her school.
And when it came to her own organization, she wanted to do it all. But what I would say is, okay, you can start doing it, but when your grades go below an a. And for me, she's an, a student because of her intellectual capacity, her aptitude. So that's why we picked a once your grades drop, then the deal was she and I were gonna become detectives together.
What's working what isn't working. And so this is a really big deal, I think, to be able to have a [00:29:00] collaborative relationship with your teen, but here's the thing. If it's not working and it's all power struggle. I would really advocate for a coach. There are some fantastic teachers out there who offer academic coaching.
So if you don't have the margin or you wanna get out of a major power struggle and you can afford to do so, I think it's great to have someone else. Often schools will offer tutoring. A lot of times they will offer organizational support. So check in with your school to see what kind of services they offer.
We Eden and I did a podcast regarding her ADHD, which was a big factor in her organization. And. Take a listen on that podcast as a bonus [00:30:00] episode, if you have a child that has some ADHD tendencies, so other major stressors that can happen in school, you have sports, you have theater, you have music, you have anything that requires kind of, um, more of them.
So I think there's debate teams. How do you help your child navigate these? One of the ways that I wanna say you help your child navigate is you really wanna be asking how much sleep they get. And if they're not getting enough sleep, don't shame them for it. You want to be a detective along with them.
Hey, what's interfering with you getting sleep. Are they prioritizing it? Are they having a really hard time getting their schoolwork done? Do they need to change up their sleep routines? Because they're not regulated enough by the [00:31:00] time they look to go to sleep, maybe there's a way that you can make connections between their sleep schedule and their ability to perform well in performances or tests or games.
Sometimes when it's the night before, it can take us longer to unwind and to stop our racing thoughts, because we're nervous about how we're gonna do. and if we can unload those things, if we can do cuddling, if your teen will let you or even have a discussion, like, Hey, it is hard. How can I support you?
How can I help you feel safe so that your mind can relax and go to sleep? All of those things are so important. The thing is if we, as a parent are sleep deprived or are just stressed out, We don't [00:32:00] offer that emotional safety for our kids. So it is really important that we start with us in order to find a place that we can meet our kids, where they are.
And I can't emphasize enough, and I hope I don't insult anyone, but hovering parents are really not the way to go. As an individual who has worked in the college counseling center, if you are hovering and doing all the thinking and organization for your child, especially during the teen years, you are not setting them up for success or any favors because they are not going to have you when they enter into the next phase of adulting.
So teach them how to do it. You know, the saying, give a [00:33:00] person a fish and you feed him her they for a day, teach a person to fish and you feed that person for a lifetime. So the next topic we're gonna cover, you have to help your teen release stress in order to get great sleepers at our house dominion very popular.
We also love pickle ball. We also intentionally have conversations. Hey, how are you when our kids were younger? And they didn't like to talk about how their day was. We're like, okay, that's fine. But you gotta tell us one high and one. and then you can be done talking. And so we tried to pull it out of 'em even if that was the only thing they said and even one word we're [00:34:00] like, okay, well, at least you're participating. I think another way that we release stress is music. We definitely play a lot of music in our house. , I'm not one who bans like headphones.
I understand people have different musical tastes when you're doing chores. No problem. I love dancing truthfully. I don't do enough of it, but that's a way that's a good way to release stress. We do love working out together at the gym. We have a family trainer who once a week, we get together another way that you can help your teen release stress is again, those fuzzy textures they're really important.
So when someone needs comfort wants to be by themselves, I think a soft, fuzzy blanket is a great way to self sooth. [00:35:00] Both kids in my family have them. We have, I think, a fuzzy blanket in every room in our house. And I think one of the most important things to communicate in a family unit is letting your teen know this is a crazy time.
There are big feelings. and to really let them know that they are not alone, creating safety looks like letting them know there is nothing you can tell me that would take away my love, anything that you're doing. If you wanna confess anything that you're not supposed to be doing, but you don't know how to get out of it.
It's not going to lead to discipline by you confessing. It may lead to restrictions, but we are not going to punish you for past [00:36:00] behaviors. We're here to help we're with you today. We wanna be with you in the future. We wanna be safe people. So if you can help your teens make connections that they don't make.
For themselves. Dan Siegel talks about in brainstorm, how as parents can be so helpful, our teen brains don't look at things from a to Z. So as the adult, you really want to be available for your teen so that you can help them think through all those nuances that don't come to their mind. And so having open good communication is super important.
So [00:37:00] that's what I got for you today. I would love to hear any questions or thoughts that you have. Let me know if your teen was willing to listen to this episode with you. I just wanna say before signing off, don't forget to sign up for my twice a month newsletter at dr kimber.net. And as a reminder, I just wanna let you know, you are a sacred being, your teen is a sacred being and needs you, even if your teen does not believe they need you, they do need you.
and may you navigate all the growth opportunities that you are faced with by remaining connected to your teen, even when they need separation and individuation, may you have the [00:38:00] comfort level to allow them to individuate knowing that you are loved? Knowing that you are important to them at the same time that you see in some ways they need to push against.
So until next time be well, don't forget to subscribe. Take care.