Making the Most of Family Interactions During the Holiday Season [Part 2]
Today's episode is sponsored by Dr. Kimber’s upcoming book, Still: Making a Whole When Parts Go Missing, which will be released in late January, and it’s part two of a three part mini-series to help us prepare and approach the holiday season in a way that works for each of us, so we can end the year and move into the new year minimizing stress and regret, and feeling more connected and refreshed into 2023.
In this episode, we're diving into family dynamics during the holidays to help you navigate and approach the upcoming weeks in a way that helps you feel more connected, especially when spending time with your family of origin, taking a look at the what, the why, and the how of having a connecting time.
Key moments include:
1:39 – The What, The Why, and The How of having a connecting time
3:10 – How to cope with the feeling of showing up small
6:55 – If you’re finding yourself falling back into familial patterns
15:55 – How can you find respect in disagreements
18:26 – How to create space for other people’s opinions and thoughts
27:48 – Looking at what you can and cannot control during the holidays
If interested in receiving my newsletter, A Moment of Pause, and receiving book updates, you can sign up here.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for treatment by a healthcare or mental health professional. This content is created for education and entertainment purposes only.
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This transcript was created by A.I. — please forgive translation mistakes.
Today's episode is sponsored by my upcoming book, Still: Making a Whole When Parts Go Missing, to be released in late January. Well, today we're diving into Family Dynamics in the holidays, which if some of you were with your family over Thanksgiving, you've already experienced.
In this episode I'm gonna help you navigate the holidays telling you kind of how to approach it rather than what to do since there are absolutely way too many scenarios to begin to even suggest advice, I will say today. I have delayed as much as I can, but my cat, you are likely going to hear my cat in the background.
I have locked her out of the room. She meows. I'm letting her in, and she's meowing and I just can't win today. So you may hear her, a little bit more than you ever have. Today, I'm gonna talk about the what, the why and the how of having a connecting time. So let's talk about the what. The neuroscience.
[00:01:13] Our brains are hardwired to be efficient. We respond in patterns. We have grooves, so to speak, in our brain. I'm using that metaphorically, that we tend to stick to. I like to describe it as when we are at a train station, we have trains that we get on all the time without even thinking about it. And the goal of change and the goal of helping you make a choice of how you respond or how you react, is that when you are on this metaphoric train , You need to know what train you're getting on because if you don't know that, then you're never gonna be able to change the pattern.
[00:02:05] So if we're going back into our family of origins without any thought at all, We're gonna go back into the thought patterns, motor patterns, like if you feel inadequate or small, your body is going to actually communicate that. Maybe you're rolling your shoulders, maybe you have less eye contact than at work.
[00:02:32] You actually adapt very easily back into the environment in which you left. If you had been there for a while. When you think of things like showing up small or feeling like you don't have a voice in your family, you can do two things to cope with that. You can either show up super big, like, I'm gonna prove myself, I'm gonna set boundaries, I'm gonna say what I want, what I need.
[00:03:01] And in that way you are showing up to prove a point to prove that you have a say, which can turn out to be a little more rigid than if you show up actually knowing that you have a say that you're important it feels different inside, I guess. How I would describe it, or, you know, the opposite of kind of proving yourself is just staying hidden, staying small, um, avoiding conversations, uh, not feeling like you have any agency.
[00:03:43] So as I have mentioned in my newsletter, we have selective hearing. What we hear people say, what we see, what we notice. We are taking in in quick, quick burst. People's facial expressions. It happens in a blink of an eye. When we expect to hear something, when we expect to see something, we actually disregard what is different. We don't see the bids for connection. If we are feeling on edge, on guard, we dismiss comments that are connecting because we are expected to not be connected with. . If we feel like we don't belong in a family, then everything is going to be filtered through that lens.
[00:04:39] If we feel like we're small, everything is gonna be filtered through that lens. If we feel like our family is the best thing ever, we are gonna show up and filter through that lens, and we're gonna possibly ignore the problems or ignore the ways that we are actually being dismissed or not seen. So we actually aren't very good at taking in new information unless we know that it's new. And what I mean by that is when we are really cognizant and conscious that we're trying to listen for new information. It can give us a step up to try to hear what we haven't heard before.
[00:05:25] And so the what in our neuroscience, when we go back into a family system that we've been in our whole lives and it's very familiar to us, we fall prey to confirmation bias. Which is a cognitive thought bias problem, where we notice whatever information or facial expressions confirm what we already believe.
[00:05:49] That's what we pick up, so they get reinforced. Even if you've changed habits and patterns outside of your family, sometimes when we go back into our family of origin or with our extended family, it can be hard to sustain those unless we recognize the difficulty.
[00:06:11] And we can create pauses and intentionality so that you are slowing down your reaction time. I will never forget when we were first married, Dennis and I, for both of us, when we would go back home, we would each be. I don't even recognize you. Like, who are you when you're home? Because we just unconsciously fell back into the patterns whether it be, the mood that we're in, not having the same boundaries, and so if you're married, Maybe you see those patterns with your spouse, that they become their childhood self when you go back into those experiences. So hopefully today we're gonna help you break out of some of those pattern.
[00:07:12] I think an important framework here is just to remember we go in and out of different states of mind so when we're with our family we have these default patterns that we can fall into, but we also can have a fluid experience of being with one another and shifting out of those states. So it's not as if your growth outside of your family isn't going to be seen, it's just that when you get maybe three days in or there's a lot of stress, you can more easily fall into patterns of relating that you did when you were. And so it's helpful to kind of prime the pump by realizing how do you show up? How did you show up in your family? Did you take up a lot of space? Did you feel small? Do you feel dismissed? Are you always trying to prove yourself? Do you feel connected? Looking at those things can really help you get what I would call a more open mind.
[00:08:24] I remember one of the ways that I was trying to grow when I was in my twenties and would go back home from college as being more initiating of helping out in the kitchen. Making things, doing the dishes, and I remember that my mom would come behind me and rearrange the dishwasher that I had just loaded.
[00:08:48] And I used to feel judged like I wasn't doing a good job. This would make me angry. I would just want to avoid helping and not do anything. Let her do it all. And as I would make those decisions. I would sit with avoiding, didn't seem like a good response. That didn't feel congruent with the fact that I wanted to help out.
[00:09:16] I felt like I should. I'm, I was an adult, but if I lashed out and said I didn't like it
[00:09:26] or that I wanted her to stop that. Go over either. And it would just feel crunchy, it would not be fun. And yet both of us were needing to do the dishes the way that we wanted to do them. And as I got older, I started to think maybe this isn't about me being incompetent in her eyes, and so I asked more questions and talked to my mom about why does she rearrange the dishes after I loaded them?
[00:10:03] Which gets to the why. The why when we go home to family dynamics is. The stories that we tell ourselves. I was telling myself a story that it was about my incompetence and that I was being judged, and what I discovered is that she feels like it's a game. When she was growing up, her and her sisters wouldn't have to hand wash whatever dishes they could fit into the dishwasher, and so she enjoys rearranging the dishes.
[00:10:38] When she sees that there's a little bit of space, she wants to fill that space. . And so for her it's a challenge. And also it was something that she couldn't always control. She knew that I didn't like her coming beside me and rearranging, but she couldn't help herself because she would see that there was space and start rearranging things,
[00:11:03] so we had two why's in this situation. We had the story that she was telling herself, which was, it's a challenge. And the other story is she couldn't help herself even if she knew that I would prefer for me to be able to load them my way.
[00:11:20] So I had several options of how to respond in this situation. I felt intruded, even though I knew that it was a game for her, I didn't love it. And so it took a while for me to find a different way of showing up and helping with the dishes so that I could enjoy it. And also, Take up space and allow my mom to take up her space. And that gets to the how, which I want to get to, but I wanna stay a little bit to the why, as I mentioned. A few minutes ago that our brain is always trying to make sense of things. So it's like the scanner and story creator. We take in information and we make sense by creating a story. So what are the beliefs that you're holding onto?
[00:12:14] What are the things that you're seeing? Because likely the story that you are creating, is created not just from your own filter. , but also from other people's filters. And so how can we get the stories that we're telling ourselves or that they are telling themselves out into the open, so that we can feel joined and connected with, so that our projections, our filters are confronted, are being asked to be changed.
[00:12:51] So if you can pause and really understand the story that you're telling yourself, it can help you reshape and show up differently. So in my example with the dishwasher, I was telling my mom, telling myself that my mom was being critical of how I loaded the dishwasher, which made me feel disrespect.
[00:13:17] Judged made me feel attacked. So even if I was going into the kitchen being like, I'm gonna set a boundary, how I'm showing up is on edge and my actions followed this story, I would either be very assertive or I would just, you know, kind of swallow my frustration. . But when I pause to ask myself, what is this story and is it true?
[00:13:49] Is there a possibility that there could be another story? It actually led me to ask my mom, Hey, why? Why do you keep rearranging these things? And then that helped inform. Of how I might be able to navigate the situation.
[00:14:10] So are there questions that you could. Are there needs that you have that you could put out there that you haven't? Could you be more transparent about your feelings of this dynamic? You know, really asking yourself to pause, to ponder, to gather more information can be so crucial when we're with a. Notice how you show up.
[00:14:40] Notice how others show up.
[00:14:42] The holidays can be a great time to help your children cultivate the need, the very real need in adulting to have different opinions. And so you are the first opportunity for your children to learn how to have different opinion. So how can you create space for them to have their own ideas, their own patterns of relating?
[00:15:09] How do you allow them to do that? If you have adolescent children who love to push against you,
[00:15:18] how do you encourage. And it doesn't mean that you allow them to be completely disrespectful, but you can make room for them to have some disrespect if, if they're younger, while they're learning how to try on different opinions. The why you wanna do this is that adolescent brains are in a season of pushing against trying things.
[00:15:47] and it is a very real skill that you need as you enter adulthood. Again, you are their practice ground. So how can you do this? I mean, examples of things that you could say to cultivate differences are like, I hear you have a different opinion about this, and I'm so glad that you're telling me what's on your.
[00:16:14] and what isn't working for me right now is that you're telling me I'm an idiot for my thoughts. So how can we both be respectful to each other while we disagree?
[00:16:28] If you have really young kids and they have a lot of personality that shows up when things aren't going their. You can let them know, Hey, I, I hear your words. But what isn't working for me is how you're saying it. So I'm wondering if we might be able to take a walk around the house together and then I wanna hear what you have to say again, but in a different tone so that you're teaching.
[00:17:01] It's okay to have differences and there are ways to communicate your differences, but we do need to create space for the messy as parents, and I think that the holidays can actually be a great time. because at least in our house, we spend a lot of time together. We're playing more games, we're having more conversations. We're all eating usually on the same schedule.
[00:17:35] If you have a child that maybe has the opposite problem, who doesn't speak up, this can be a great time to say, Hey, tell me what you think. What do you think about us going to this movie? Or what did you think of the movie? I notice sometimes you're quiet and I love that about you, and I'd also like to know what's going on in your mind.
[00:18:01] And they may come back to say, well, I don't know. And you can meet them there by saying, Hey, I totally. Understand not knowing things. And I love to be a part of your process of figuring out what you know or what you think
[00:18:21] and your child might come back and say, I don't know. Stop talking. and you can lean in again to say, I totally appreciate your opinion here and you want me to stop talking, and I love that you even have an opinion right now about what you need and what you want. At the same time, sharing opinions is really an important part of growing up, and so how can I help you to share your opinion and feel.
[00:18:52] And you may be wondering in this moment, have I gone on a very long tangent and what does it have to do with the holidays? But again, your holiday time is a lot of interactions, you can really feel felt by one another.
[00:19:10] So I really wanna create space for other people's opinions and thoughts and to notice developmentally where your family members are. No matter what their age.
[00:19:22] In the moral development research, the place where we learn morals and beliefs, hands down is around the dinner table. It's the perfect place to teach one another, how to have differing opinions and how to be respectful while having different opinions. But here's the thing about being respect. When you have young kids and there is, uh, a dysregulation problem, which which means hey, they don't know how to regulate their emotions so that they can be sassy, they can have big emotions, meltdowns.
[00:20:07] That's a regulation problem. That's not a respect problem. And so you wanna start by helping them get more regulated before you're correcting them about their tone of voice. So I want to encourage a little more messiness at times because kids can take many years to develop the ability to express their opinion in a way that can be heard when it's different.
[00:20:37] You know, my son had a lot of big emotions. And it really took about five or six years just continuing to show up. Like, Hey, I see that furrow in your brow right now, and I don't think the next thing out of your mouth is gonna work. So I want you right now to feel your feet on the ground
[00:20:59] or sing me your favorite song . I had so many different techniques to help distract so that the regulation was there and we were able to have a conversation about difficult things or things that we had to disagreement about. So if you have younger kids all the way up to adolescents, you know, they need to learn.
[00:21:22] And, and part of the growth process is making mistakes. It's being messy without you as a parent coming at them rigidly. Now again, that's not permission to show up however, but you want to have an end goal in mind, and usually that end goal is how. , we have respectful conversations and I believe the whole United States could benefit from a class on that. . So get to know the why's, the stories that you tell yourself.
[00:22:00] Take some time to notice those. Some of the helpful, how's in having different opinions, or there can be some rules around don't discuss politics and religions. Or hot topics that can quickly get divisive. If you have family members who won't go along with that, then how can you make a difference by maybe showing up as a listener, even if you're cringing inside?
[00:22:33] Or how can you get curious about the dynamics? What makes it so this person can't uphold a boundary? Maybe they've been spending too much time alone and they are out of practice. Maybe they don't care or possibly don't see as a big issue. You could even playfully engage around you like, Hey, what is this?
[00:22:59] Why? Why do we keep bringing up politics? I thought this was off the table. You know, when you can show up in a place where you are practicing patience and kindness and compassion, then there isn't a, an edge in your voice as you're asking these why questions,
[00:23:15] and I, I wanna name, there can be really toxic and critical environments, but it does feel important for you to make contact with those people in your life over the holiday. Hold onto your why. Why you continue to show up and make contact.
[00:23:33] And this can be helpful for you to be more regulated and navigate what comes up with flexibility. Open-mindedness. So the how.
[00:23:45] I think the single most helpful thing is pausing. Pause before you speak. Pause to identify what you're telling yourself, what the story is that's going on in your head. Pause if you feel angry. Shift your mood. Start playing music. Have a dance party, sing songs, do the things that help shift you out of anger until you have a level of anger that would help you communicate your frustration.
[00:24:16] Boundaries can also be helpful. Back to the example of the dishwasher and washing the dishes. I could tell my mom not to rearrange. If I've loaded them, and this could be a good place to start. However, if the boundary won't work, if she isn't mindful of what she's doing and she's cleaning up and she just naturally goes over to the dishwasher, or if she's compulsively changing them, these are patterns that are likely not gonna change with the boundary.
[00:24:49] And to be clear, I'm just using this as an example. I'm not actually saying that this is what my mom would do if the boundary can't be uphold, I could make the choice to interfere when she's starting to reload, Hey, I, I'm doing this right now. and that would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but it also could be, Unreasonable on my part to expect that she would remember.
[00:25:14] And if I'm feeling frustrated or bitter, because I have to keep reminding her and setting that boundary well, that's a me problem I can look at the situation differently and say, oh, my mom, she's hurrying and cleaning. Up she's not pausing to remember, you know, . I wanna do the dishes by myself, but it's also not what I thought it was.
[00:25:38] It's not about my incompetence or criticism. She's just trying to create space so that we can get more dishes in there, see how the story can expand. But how I feel about having to set a boundary can be either a positive, pleasant experience or it can. Kind of make everybody else tense. So noticing where you are at on an emotional and feeling level really helps you as you go to set boundaries.
[00:26:11] Setting boundaries ahead of time can also happen like, Hey, I'm going to do the dishes. And I want you to leave the room please, so I can do 'em as I want. And you can hear the smile in my voice. Like, there are great ways, playful ways to set boundaries. It just, it doesn't have to be a huge deal.
[00:26:35] Another approach is looking for me to look at. This is the time to connect in the kitchen. This isn't about me getting the dishes loaded, me wasting my time, or spending it valuably. I can make the time in the kitchen however it's spent valuable and that helps me shift my mindset, and it helps me engage and know the value is just being together, cleaning up together.
[00:27:07] It's not about how it's done,
[00:27:09] and I can just use that by time to notice, but if I feel small and insecure already, that's gonna be a very hard posture to keep. So how can you know that you in and of yourself have value?
[00:27:25] And what does it mean that you need that value to be noticed? It? Are people really criticizing you, or are people in the kitchen just moving and trying to get a job done?
[00:27:37] I could say, you know what, this is too much. I, I don't wanna do the dishes, but I could clean up other. So the how for the dynamics that you're entering into, you can see, right. I'm just trying to navigate it. I'm trying to show up, being creative. I'm showing up in a, a state of mind, in a mood that is all about joining and wanting to be connected rather than me being in a critical, judgmental place where I feel threatened or I'm threatening others.
[00:28:10] How can you ask for what you need? I do need downtime during the holidays. I'm a social introvert too much. Socializing exhausts me. So some of the things that I do is I'll sneak into my room and read, or I don't really need to sneak. I'll just disappear. I'll go for a walk. I can say , Hey, I'm going to get refueled. I'll be back in an hour.
[00:28:38] What do you need in order to stay engaged? It's so important and take responsibility for what you need. Maybe you'll hurt somebody's feelings because they wanna hang out with you all the time.
[00:28:52] Well, you can do that. You can say, ah, I can see that you really wanna hang out with me, and I love that, and I wanna hang out with you in an hour.
[00:29:02] Really identifying what do you want from the family gathering? How can you ask for what you need? In our family, we ask every holiday, no matter what the age. What are your expectations? What do you hope for from your holiday time? And I take that in and then try to coordinate things.
[00:29:23] Look at what can you control, what can't you control? And how can you creatively navigate that? You know, for us, we don't have any family in town, so we use our vacation time to travel to the places where our family are, and that can be great. Sometimes it feels disappointing. Maybe I would like to travel somewhere else, but the important thing is kind of noticing what.
[00:29:54] what that I have a choice. I don't have to do things. I have a choice here. And for me, my kids love connecting their aunts and uncles, cousins. I love seeing my siblings, my in-laws. So I make that the choice the value, and it can free me up to show up wholeheartedly where I am without complaining, without ruminating on what I can't.
[00:30:30] So we have a, what that happens, we have underlying dynamics. We have mental patterns, embodied patterns that happen both consciously and unconsciously. We have the why, the stories that we have created from our filters, the stories that we tell ourselves that we're both conscious of and unconscious of.
[00:30:54] And then we have the. How is pausing asking for what you need? Not assuming that people know what you need. Don't assume anyone can read your mind and take responsibility for what fuels you and when do you need to take a break or when do you need to be more engaged. So I hope this has been helpful.
[00:31:18] It's been a joy to be with you.